


The Choices We Make

by electrictoes



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29899503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electrictoes/pseuds/electrictoes
Summary: This is straight up canon divergence - where Al Pollack is irrelevant to the squad's lives and Carisi is Billie's father.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 30
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this [deleted scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Psx7ub4QV6c&list=PL3LvTKLvyeZFXVK2OhcXmUE_YE6btE3KK&index=13) took up residence in my head - only instead of saying he doesn't know who Rollins' baby daddy is... Carisi admits it's him. 
> 
> And then this happened.
> 
> A lot of the dialogue is either taken directly from early s20 episodes or tweaked from it to fit with the alternative plot. I also bumped the deleted scene from where it probably happened until a little later.
> 
> Also this was going to be a one shot but it got out of hand.

Amanda stared at the test in her hand; the third test of the morning, and no less positive than the last two. She’d make a doctor’s appointment to confirm it, but she already knew, had known for two weeks if she was being honest with herself. She sighed, tossing the test into the trash. She washed her hands and looked at her reflection in the mirror - her face lined with worry and a lack of sleep. She wanted to cry or scream; but Jesse was out in the living room, and she needed to get ready for work. There wasn’t time for a crisis. She splashed cold water on her face, willing her expression into something that didn’t reflect her inner frustrations. 

How could they screw up this badly? Five years of friendship, and then one night, months ago, that had almost ruined everything. Now here it was coming back to haunt them.

  
Work was a distraction, and an effective one - they’d been so busy all day that Amanda probably would have been able to put aside her thoughts and worries for a few hours - if she hadn’t been seeing the source pretty much all day long.

Things between her and Carisi were good now; back to normal. They were back to hanging out, spending time together, and it wasn’t awkward. They’d had an unspoken agreement never to bring up what had happened between them, and she was fine with that - until it wasn’t an option anymore. She pushed it all aside - the conversation she wasn’t ready to have with him - they talked, joked around. There was a moment when he told her he’d never had a massage and she’d wanted to… flirt, maybe, tease him? But she stopped herself because they’d gone down that road and now she was dealing with the consequences.

He didn’t seem to have noticed her mood, or he was doing a good job of hiding it if he did, but there was no such luck with Liv - Liv had known her for too long and she was perceptive.

She clocked the look on Liv’s face before she spoke - the way she glanced back towards the doorway of the break room, seeing Carisi move out of earshot - she knew what was coming before Liv sat down.

She was concerned - Amanda could read that in her face. “Amanda, look, whatever is is going on with you, you're either gonna tell me or you're not gonna tell me, and I don't want to invade your privacy or ask you questions that, you know, as your boss, I shouldn't even be asking you, so-”

Amanda didn’t hesitate. “I'm pregnant.” It was a relief to get the words out, to tell someone else and not bear the weight of the secret alone.

A smile crept onto Liv’s face. “Wow.”

Amanda returned the smile, still a little uncertain - there was a huge part of her that had been panicking for days, and that had been the loudest part. Telling Liv - seeing her friend’s joy, she allowed herself to think for a second about the good parts of this - about giving Jesse a baby brother or sister, growing their family, about the people in her life that would be so happy for them.

“Congratulations,” Liv said, and there was an easing of the tension Amanda felt - ripping off the band-aid by telling Liv, that was step one. Liv eyed Amanda closely, cautiously. “Or-”

Before she could finish her thought, Carisi returned - his footsteps and his voice cutting Liv off before he made it into the room, and giving Amanda time to school her expression into something more neutral. Work called, and the moment was lost. 

  
The case had taken Amanda away from her own troubles, but not entirely; everything that had happened, was going to happen, that was all strung up in her relationship with Carisi. He was taking this case hard and she wanted to reach out to him; she wanted to to be there for him because she couldn’t stand seeing him so cut up. At the juvenile centre, waiting to speak with a psychologist about Sam Conway, they finally got a moment of quiet, a chance to speak.

“You okay?”

“Uh, you know, aside from not sleeping,” his voice was scratchy - the tiredness, the pressure he was putting on himself, it all came through. He wasn’t looking at her - his hands were on the bench, his gaze straight out ahead of him. She wanted to take his hand, to reassure him - and that was why she started speaking, but once the words started coming she lost control of them.

“You worry, you know, you worry about your kid getting sick, or breaking a bone, or God forbid, getting hit by a taxi, and it’s like you’re holding your breath underwater, every day,” her words got caught in her throat, worry about Jesse, about this baby, worry that Carisi wouldn’t be the man - the father - she expected him to be - and then worry about Carisi, about how he was just about holding it together right now. He cared so much about this kid, this case - and he didn’t even know what she was holding back from telling him. “And then you, uh, you get to tuck ’em in and kiss them goodnight, you get to breathe out again, but that’s, you can’t imagine that-” She broke then; she couldn’t hold back the tears, or fight the wave of emotion that was coming over her. 

“Hey, hey, hey, it’s alright,” his hand was on her back, his voice was soothing and he was so careful, so gentle. She knew she had to tell him, knew that she couldn’t keep it from him any longer. There would never be a perfect moment. She turned to look at him, swiping at the tears under her eyes. “Hey,” he nodded again, reassuring her without knowing what was going on.

She took a breath, building up her courage. “Uh, Carisi, I’m-”

“It’s alright, it’s alright. Tell me, it’s okay-”

Before she could open her mouth they were interrupted - a guard calling for them, letting them know the psychologist was here - and what could she do? She couldn’t tell him like this, here, with everything else going on. He deserved to be able to process it - she had had time - days since she’d confirmed it, but weeks before then of wondering. 

  
Later, as the case wrapped, she found herself opening up to Liv again - saying the thoughts she’d been holding in her head - the thoughts she wanted to get out before she told Carisi and made everything real, and fixed. Liv watched her, letting her speak and gather her thoughts. “I don't know if I need another baby. I don't know if I _want_ another baby. All I know is, if I was back home, the choice would be a lot easier. There'd be no choice.”

It was the truth; she loved Jesse with all of her heart, but a second baby, another kid with a different father, it was a lot to take in. She thought back to Carisi, sitting beside her at the juvenile centre - she knew - _knew_ \- what he would want her to do. But she also knew that he would let her make the choice, however he felt about it. 

Liv looked Amanda straight in the eye. “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

“Just unlock it and give it to me.”

Amanda did, passing the phone over to Liv, unsure where this was going. She scrolled through the phone for a moment before passing it back to Amanda - a video playing on the screen - Jesse, a year or so ago, her face filling the screen. Amanda loved this video - she’d watched it a thousand times while she was at work, missing Jesse.

“That's playing dirty,” her voice cracked. Her eyes lingered on the screen, on Jesse’s face smiling up at the camera.

“I distinctly remember when you showed that to me. You told me that was the best moment of your life. This is your decision to make alone, and I will defend to the death your right to make it, but regret is an awful thing to live with.”

Liv was right, Amanda knew that too - she had never planned on having kids but now that she had Jesse in her life she could never give her up. And she knew that she had enough love to give to another baby; she knew that Jesse would love being a big sister, and she knew that no matter where it left the two of them, Carisi would love being a father - he was already the closest thing Jesse had - there was no way he wouldn’t embrace every second of fatherhood if she gave him the chance; all the fears she had, they weren’t the kind that came with a guy like Carisi - he wasn’t going to turn and walk away. 

  
Sonny knew there was something up with Amanda; he’d known for a while now, she had been on edge - something was worrying her and she wasn’t ready to share it with him. It had taken weeks for them to get things back on track after the summer and he had tiptoed around her change in mood because he didn’t want to go back to not talking, to awkward silences and raised eyebrows from Fin and Liv. So he waited for her to come to him, to tell him what was bothering her.

The longer it went on, the better an idea he had - the conversations between Amanda and Liv that stopped when he walked into the room; her emotional response to cases involving children, more pronounced than usual - and the physical things, the sudden trips to the bathroom, change in appetite, switching her coffee to decaf. He was fairly certain that she was pregnant, and he was pretty sure he knew who the father was - but she was holding back. He thought she might have told him, a week ago back at the juvenile centre, when she had broken down talking about how parents worry about their kids. She’d look at him - she’d been about to tell him, he was sure of it. But they had been interrupted and it almost felt like she was avoiding him since.

He was sure, too, that she had confided in Liv. So when the opportunity struck, when he and Liv were sat in the car watching Fin and waiting to move in and arrest Luke, he glanced at her sideways and bit the bullet. 

“Let me ask you something, Lieu. What's, what's going on with Rollins?”

Liv didn’t give anything away. “If you have a question about Rollins, why don't you try asking her?”

He almost rolled his eyes. If he thought that outright asking Amanda would get him anything other than the cold shoulder - especially if he was wrong - he’d have done it already. “She's pregnant, isn't she?”

“Really, Carisi?”

“Are you telling me she's not pregnant?”

“Really?”

He took Liv’s protestations as confirmation of what he already suspected, but there wasn’t time to push further - and he knew that Liv would never break a confidence; he had just wanted to know, wanted to be prepared before he tried to talk to Amanda about it.

  
The whole drive to New Jersey he weighed up his options, debated the best way to approach the subject - he didn’t want to pressure Amanda, he didn’t want to risk her pulling away, but if she was pregnant, if she was having his baby, she had to know that he would be right there with her.

It wasn’t until they got out of the car that he decided to just go for it - to tell her he already knew. They would be at the house in a couple of minutes; there was enough time to say what he had to say and then they’d be busy again, she’d have time to process - and if he was wrong, time to forgive him and his big mouth. 

The words didn’t come as easily as he hoped, though, he weaved around the topic, hoping she’d just tell him. “Did I tell you about my cousin Nikki? She’s havin’ another kid, can you believe that?”

“Is that three?”

“Five.”

“Wow,” he could tell from Amanda’s expression that she knew exactly what he was doing and that she wasn’t about to take the bait.

He stopped at the foot of the driveway, turning to look at her. “Hey Rollins, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

He shrugged. “Alright,” he turned away from her - he was frustrated - he didn’t know what the protocol was for telling your partner - who you had slept with, once, after a difficult week and several whiskeys each - that you thought she was having your kid.

She called out to him as he walked towards the house. “Son- Sonny - listen, hey, I tried to, I just - I didn’t know how.”

He was struck dumb for a second - it was one thing to suspect that she was pregnant, that she was pregnant with his child, and another thing altogether to have it confirmed. “Wh-”

“Don’t start asking me questions right now,” she said, but she was smiling at him - his heart was pounding a mile a minute in his chest - all he had was questions. She met his eye as the Wellbecks emerged from their house. “Later,” she said. “I promise.”

  
In the car on the way back to New York they had nothing but time and silence. Amanda hadn’t been surprised that Carisi had figured things out - he was a detective, after all - and if he hadn’t suspected before their conversation at the juvenile centre last week, there’s no way the cogs wouldn’t have started turning. She felt guilty that she hadn’t told him sooner - she kept trying to find the right time, and then talking herself out of it. There was a part of her that was still afraid.

“So,” he said as she pulled the car away form the curb. “Were you gonna tell me?”

“We haven’t even left the street yet, Carisi.”

“Amanda,” he said, “We’ve got to talk about this. I mean - I need you to say it out loud so I know we’re both on the same page.”

She sighed, “Yes, I’m pregnant. Yes, it’s your baby. I was going to tell you, I was just afraid about how you’d react.”

He furrowed his brow - he actually looked offended. “What? Why would you be afraid?”

She concentrated on driving for a minute or two before she spoke, and continuing to stare out at the road ahead of her when she did, “Sonny… we… we slept together and we never talked about it afterwards. Not once. Like it never happened.”

He turned in his seat, angling his body toward her. “I didn’t think you wanted to; you couldn’t get me out of the apartment fast enough the next morning.”

She had panicked in the morning, when she woke up next to him - worried that he would open his eyes and realise they’d made a huge mistake. When Jesse had started calling out from her crib she’d gone to get her, and when Carisi appeared in the doorway she made an excuse about Jesse having a play date. She hadn’t been able look him in the eye because she wasn’t sure what she’d find there. “I didn’t want Jesse asking questions, that didn’t mean-”

“I figured you regretted it.” He looked lost. “You never brought it up again, things were… you were weird around me.”

“I didn’t know what we… look, we were drunk. I know we were both more than willing, but we weren’t thinking with our heads either.”

“I didn’t regret it,” he said, staring straight out ahead of him. “At least, not until things got weird.”

Amanda couldn’t keep having this conversation while driving, couldn’t focus on keeping the car steady while her heart was trying to beat out of her chest and there were tears welling up in the back of her eyes because the big mistake she thought she’d made wasn’t the disaster she’d built it up to be in her head - and maybe the bigger mistake was this - was not talking to him afterwards, not letting him know how much that night had meant to her at the time - but she’d begun putting up walls the second he left the apartment; there was a reason she didn’t sleep with guys she could actually have a future with, and she’d broken her own rule when she’d led him to her bedroom that night.

She pulled over, parking on the corner of a side street, and finally turning to look at him, “You never said that.”

He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and dropping his head to his hands. “I didn’t wanna be that guy, you know?”

“What does that mean?”

He turned to look up at her. “Look, I’d been, uh, attracted to you for a long time, and I guess I always figured it was one-sided. So, I thought if you just wanted a one night stand I didn’t want to be the creepy guy who won’t let it be.”

Amanda’s voice was small when she finally spoke again, telling him something she’d barely admitted to herself. “I thought you weren’t interested anymore.”

He sat up fully then, turning his body back towards her. “What? Why would you think that?”

“Sonny, we slept together - we had a great night and then I didn’t hear from you until work on Monday - and you gave me the cold shoulder for weeks. I thought that was you telling me you got what you wanted and we were done.”

The look on his face startled her - he was almost horrified. “That’s not… I thought you knew me better than that.”

“I was scared, scared that I’d lose you,” she bit her lip. “I thought if we were back to being just friends then I’d have you in my life, and we’d be partners again, like before.”

Carisi dropped his head back, leading against the headrest. He let out a frustrated groan.

“Sonny-”

“I’m sorry.” He opened his eyes, looking over at her from the passenger seat. “I never wanted you to think I didn’t-”

“Hey,” she smiled over at him, reaching to rest a hand on on his leg. “This is on me as much as it is you. Look, I don’t know what we do now - I’m not sure what the playbook is - but I’m keeping this baby, Dominick, and you can be involved or not - that’s your call, but you’re my partner, and my best friend, and I don’t want to lose you.”

“Hey, hey, you’re not gonna lose me,” he put a hand on top of hers, and after a moment of silence, he grinned at her, “I’m really gonna be a dad?”

“Yeah,” she laughed, “You really are.”

Despite a trying few days, Sonny was still in a pretty good mood - although Gabriela’s case had been tough on all of them, and the overriding mood in the precinct was one of defeat, there was still a voice in the back of his head reminding him that he was going to be a father and there was nothing that could shake that - he knew that the rest of the squad were in the mood more for commiseration than celebration, so he kept his tone light when he closed his laptop and began packing up for the night. 

“Anybody want to get a beer?”

Fin shook his head. “Oh man, I promised Ken and Alejandro I’d babysit tonight.”

Sonny walked over to Amanda’s desk, shrugging on his jacket as he approached her. “What about you? Non-alcoholic?” 

“What’s the point? Besides, after this Gabriela thing I’d need something a lot stiffer than a beer.”

“Alright,” Carisi held up his hands in surrender. “I’ll see you both tomorrow.”

He turned back towards his desk, ready to grab his phone and keys, but Amanda called out to him. “You could come over?” she said, “No beer in the house but Jesse might share her chocolate milk.” 

He laughed, glancing at Fin to see his reaction, but Fin had barely reacted at all; while Sonny knew that going to Amanda’s meant that he would be spending time with the mother of his child, to Fin this was just a normal night, where Sonny went to hang out with Amanda and her kid because he didn’t have anything better to do - which was true, but Fin’s definition of 'nothing better to do' was quite different from Sonny’s.

“Sure,” he said, “I haven’t had chocolate milk in about thirty years but-”

“That’s a lie,” Amanda said as she pulled on her own jacket. “An’ you’re driving, I’m beat.”

  
At Amanda’s place, Jesse had declined to share her chocolate milk but Amanda had supplied him with a cup of coffee - he lay on the floor with Jesse, helping her build a tower out of Lego bricks; Amanda had gone for a shower once he was situated, and he was content to play with Jesse - he couldn’t help but see this is as a window into what their future could look like - in a few months’ time he could be here again, but with a baby nearby - they could be a family, maybe. 

He had always wanted kids - and that wasn’t a secret, he was good with kids, people trusted him to take care of their kids. His mom had always had a busy house; there’d be siblings and cousins and nephews and nieces everywhere, and he couldn’t remember a time there wasn’t a Carisi kid being dropped into his lap after dinner. The thought that one day soon he’d have his own kid - it was the most excited he’d ever been about anything, and he was trying to hold it in, keep it contained so that he wouldn’t overwhelm Amanda - he knew she was concerned about raising a second child, unhappy about having to ride a desk for months - she’d already jumped down Fin’s throat when he suggested she maybe should take it easy - and he knew she was worried about them, too, about how they were going to make this work - all he could do right now was be present, and maybe try to get her to take the prenatal vitamins his sisters had sworn by.

When she returned to the living room she smiled at him before taking a seat on the couch. “That’s a great tower, Jesse.”

“Uncle Sonny helped a bit,” Jesse said, “I can only reach this high,” she held out her hand, indicating the point two thirds of the way up the tower which she could no longer stretch past.

“Well,” Amanda said, “You’ll grow.”

Jesse didn’t look convinced.

“Hey,” Sonny said, “Once you were a tiny baby.” Amanda gave him a look, but he just smiled up at her.

“When I lived in Momma’s tummy I was little,” Jesse said knowingly. “But now I’m big.” She studied Sonny carefully for a moment. “When were you a baby Uncle Sonny?”

“Long time ago,” he said, “Before even Momma was.”

Jesse laughed, shaking her head. “No, Momma was a baby forever ago.”

Sonny laughed too, Amanda shaking her head and resisting the urge to join them.

  
Later, once Jesse was tucked up in bed and Sonny had cleared away their dinner dishes, Amanda put a hand on his arm as he made it leave. “Dominick.”

“You okay?”

She nodded. “Thank you for tonight, you’re so good with Jesse,” she put a hand to the bump that was just beginning to show. “I know you’re going to be an amazing father to this baby too.” She reached up and pressed a kiss against his cheek before bidding him goodnight, and he left with a spring in his step.

  
It had been a day. A week. Amanda had been feeling especially on edge - she hadn’t been sleeping all that well, her back was aching and the baby seemed to be taking up permanent residence on her bladder. She knew that Liv was cutting her some slack at work, letting things slide she should’ve been written up for - and she knew that Carisi had noticed because he kept throwing concerned glances her way when he thought she wasn’t looking.

He’d been amazing up until now - patient, more patient that she’s been herself, and he’d been on board with keeping things quiet until she was ready, even though she could tell he was bursting at the seams to tell people - he even looked happy when Amanda filled him on Noah’s video call tantrum - but his hovering was probably going to drive her mad before long. He hadn’t come out and said he thought she should be on desk duty, but she had seen him hold back the thought more than once. She was starting to show, anyway, so there was only going to be so much longer she could get away with hiding it.

By the time they’d wrapped things up at the airport, Amanda was tired - tired enough to reluctantly admit defeat. As uniformed officers took Beck and his ex into custody, she walked with Liv towards their own cars, and made a decision.

“So I'm gonna notify 1PP that I'm pregnant, and I'm gonna tell them that you didn't know.”

“Amanda, you don't have to do that.”

She stopped beside Liv’s car, turning to look at her as they talked. “No, I'm - yeah, I do,” she sighed, “And it is going to kill me to have to sit behind a desk, but it's only a few months, right?”

“I'm really happy for you, Amanda. If I haven't said that before.” Liv reached out to place a hand on Amanda’s arm, and they shared a smile.

“I know. There’s… there’s something else I should tell you.” She had to start somewhere - there were some things it wasn’t fair to keep a secret, and this was one of them. 

“Oh?”

Amanda glanced up to make sure there was no one else in earshot before she spoke. “I’m telling this to Olivia my friend, not Olivia my boss.”

Liv nodded. “Okay.”

“Uh, the father, I wanted you to know… it’s… it’s Carisi.” Liv raised an eyebrow, but Amanda continued talking before she could interject. “And I don’t know what happens next, but I’m gonna leave that out of my conversation with 1PP.”

“I take it you’ve told Carisi this?”

“Yeah, I have.”

Liv nodded again, the smile returning to her face. “Well, when the baby’s here and you’re out from behind the desk we’ll talk about you and Fin partnering up again. For now, I haven’t asked.”

“Thanks, Liv.”

“Congratulations, again. To the both of you.”

Sonny was doing his best to take care of Amanda without making it too obvious - luckily, making sure Amanda ate regularly was already part of his daily routine, so ordering her favourite pizza wasn’t going to get the department rumour mill churning. He brought the pizza into the squad room, opening it in front of her, but she just shook her head at him.

“I’m good.”

“What d’you mean you’re good? It’s your favourite.”

“That was last week.” Last week it had been - she’d made a comment under her breath about Italian babies and he’d had to leave the room before Fin asked him what he was laughing at. 

He frowned, but he knew better than to argue with her - instead relocating to the break room to share the pizza with Fin, who was full of questions - mostly about Amanda. Which made sense, everyone knew the two of them were close, if she was going to confide in anyone it would be him. Still, Sonny tried to deflect them as best he could. They hadn’t exactly had a conversation about when and how to tell people - he knew that Amanda had told Liv, but that was it. Sonny’s own family didn’t even know - partly because he wasn’t ready to inflict that particular headache on Amanda just yet, especially when his mother found out they weren’t getting married. 

“Not that it’s any of my business, but she tell you who the father is?”

“No,” Sonny shook his head. 

Fin raised an eyebrow; he didn’t look convinced. “She didn’t tell you?”

Sonny dropped his pizza back onto his plate, “I- she, uh, she didn’t have to.”

“You know something I don’t?” 

“It’s, uh,” he swallowed, his eyes darting to the door. No one was close by. “The baby, it’s mine.”

Fin laughed. “That’s a good one.”

“Really, Fin.”

“You’re not kidding?”

Before he could respond Amanda walked into the break room unannounced, reaching over him to take a slice of the pizza - hunger probably winning out over whatever reason she’d rejected it initially. 

“Kidding about what?”

He glanced at her, probably looking about as innocent as he actually was, “Nothin’”

Amanda sighed. “You told him.”

“You told Liv.”

Fin’s eyes darted from Sonny to Amanda and back again. “Wait, you’re serious?”

“One of you two bring me a seltzer, please,” Amanda said, backing out of the room without answering Fin’s question. 

Fin dropped his own pizza onto his plate, turning in his seat to face Sonny head on. “Damn, Carisi.”

Sonny wasn’t ready to answer more of Fin’s questions - and he was only half certain he wasn’t going to be getting an earful from Amanda the second they were alone; he stood up, not meeting Fin’s eye. “I’m gonna take her that seltzer.”

“I can’t believe you two finally got your shit together and didn’t even tell me.”

As he got Amanda’s drink from the vending machine he turned back to look at Fin. “It’s not like that.”

“Wait, what?”

“We’re not - we’re havin’ this kid together, that’s it,” he left the room, but he didn’t miss Fin’s disbelieving response.

“Okay, sure.”

  
Amanda hadn’t said anything when he handed her the drink, and he spent the rest of the afternoon stealing glances over to her desk. It had felt good to tell Fin about the baby - good that somebody else knew and that it wasn’t something they were hiding, or that Amanda was ashamed of. At least, he hoped it wasn’t something she was ashamed of. He was thrilled that he was going to be a father - that he was going to have a baby that was half him, half Amanda - he wanted to tell everyone in his life, he wanted to brag to strangers on the subway, but he was holding back because he knew that this wasn’t as easy for her as it was for him - he knew that trusting him, letting him in, was a big deal, and he didn’t want to make her regret it.

He closed his laptop at the end of their shift, but when he glanced over to her desk she was already gone. He had been hoping they could at least walk out together, talk briefly before saying goodnight.

He was just shrugging on his coat when she reappeared beside him. “You got plans tonight?”

“Me?” he shrugged. “Nah, I’m all yours,” he hesitated. “If, uh, that’s why you were askin’”

“Good,” she smiled up at him. “I was thinking, since you told Fin-”

“I’m sorry.”

She shook her head. “You’re right, I told Liv, it’s fine. But I think before we tell anyone else we need to sit down with Jesse and explain.”

“And you want me there for that?”

“Oh yeah. This is half your doing too.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This part takes place roughly from 20.05 - 20.09, so some of the scenes/dialogue are adapted from or inspired by scenes in those episodes.

Amanda was nervous about telling Jesse - she was still so young, and not at all used to sharing Amanda’s affections with anyone other than Frannie; as much as she might beg for a younger sibling when she saw other children with their brothers and sisters, the reality would be different, and Amanda didn’t want to do anything that would hurt Jesse or make her feel less loved. 

Carisi cooked dinner - Jesse standing on her step stool next to him, watching carefully as he chopped the vegetables, pleading with him to let her stir the sauce. Carisi indulged her; Amanda wasn’t sure that he had ever said no to Jesse, she probably didn’t even know it was in his vocabulary. She watched them together from the dining table; she was tired after another long day; as reluctant as she was to inform 1PP about her pregnancy tomorrow, she knew that she needed to take a little more time away from chasing down criminals - her feet would thank her if nothing else did. 

By the time dinner was ready she was half asleep at the table, Jesse shaking her arm with a loud laugh. “Momma, it’s dinner time!”

Amanda opened her eyes fully, laughing alongside her daughter. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m a bit sleepy today.”

“Because you’re sick,” Jesse said nonchalantly, taking the seat next to Amanda’s as Sonny began to serve up their dinner.

“I’m not sick, Jesse,” Amanda said, frowning.

“I heard you in the bathroom,” Jesse said. “If you have a tummy ache you should have some medicine.”

Amanda exchanged a glance with Carisi, hoping for some solidarity or support, but he was frowning. “You still gettin’ morning sickness?” Amanda looked from him to Jesse and back again, but he shook his head. “She’s three, she doesn’t know what that is.”

“Is it being sick in the morning?” Jesse asked.

Amanda shot Carisi a glare, not answering Jesse's question. “Only some days; I’m fine. Don’t start.”

Carisi joined them at the table and they ate dinner while Jesse told them stories all about her day at pre-school. Amanda was only half listening, thoughts turning over and over in her mind. Carisi was enthusiastically asking Jesse questions - a tactic Amanda decided was him delaying the inevitable conversation, and as they finished up their dessert Amanda took a breath before placing a hand on Jesse’s arm.

“Hey Jesse, there’s something we need to talk about.”

Jesse dropped her spoon back into her ice cream bowl and looked up at Amanda. “What is it, Momma?”

“Do you… do you remember when you asked if you could have a baby brother or sister?

Jesse nodded. “You said no.”

“Okay, well, the thing is-” Amanda met Carisi’s eyes over Jesse’s head, unsure how to proceed.

“The thing is Jesse,” he started, “your Momma and I-”

Jesse’s eyes went back and forth between the two of them, as Carisi stalled mid-sentence. 

“Jesse, Momma is going to have a baby. You’re gonna have a baby brother or sister,” she darted her eyes to Carisi, “And Uncle Sonny, he’s this baby’s daddy.”

The excitement that had lit up Jesse’s face at the mention of a brother or sister rapidly faded to confusion. “Why?”

“Why what, baby?”

Jesse pushed herself up onto her knees, looking between Amanda and Carisi again. “Why is Uncle Sonny the baby’s daddy?”

“Well,” Amanda started, “that’s how babies are made. With a mommy and a daddy.”

Jesse rolled her eyes. “The daddy puts the baby in the mommy’s tummy, _I know_.”

“Okay, so, Uncle Sonny, he, uh-” 

Carisi interrupted before Amanda could find the right words to finish that explanation. “Maybe we, uh, we don’t need to go into details?” 

Jesse got down from the table without another word, walking over to the couch where Frannie was curled up sleeping - she sat down beside Frannie, stroking her back softly and not looking at Amanda or Carisi. 

“Jesse-”

“Let me?” Carisi said, standing and walking over to Jesse. He sat down on the floor in front of the couch and reached out a hand to stroke Frannie too. “Do you think Frannie’s excited about the new baby, Jesse?”

“No,” Jesse said, not looking up at him. “Frannie’s sad.”

“Oh,” he frowned, “Why’s that then?”

Jesse turned her head, looking at Carisi - from the dining table Amanda could see her eyes were wet with tears. “Frannie doesn’t want you to be the new baby’s daddy.”

Carisi looked devastated, but he swallowed hard as Amanda stood, making her way over to them. She took a seat in the arm chair, Frannie not having left much space on the couch. “Jesse, that’s not very kind.”

Jesse shrugged. “Uncle Sonny asked.”

Amanda reached out to squeeze Carisi’s shoulder, he was still looking disheartened and he hadn’t found any words to respond to Jesse yet.

“Jesse, I think you need to say sorry to Uncle Sonny,” Amanda said firmly, “And then we need to talk about this.”

Jesse sunk onto the floor, and Carisi smoothly pulled her into his arms as she rested her head against his chest, whispering an apology into the fabric of his shirt. He pressed his lips to the top of her head. “Wh… why don’t you want me to be the baby’s daddy, Jess?”

“You’re Uncle Sonny,” she said, as though that cleared it up. After a moment of silence she said, “Frannie is sad ’cause you’ll love the baby more than us.”

Carisi hugged Jesse close, “I’m gonna love you all the same,” he promised. Jesse let him hold her for a moment longer before she walked over to Amanda, holding her arms out to be lifted. 

Once she was settled, she threw her arms around Amanda, hugging her tightly. “I do want the new baby, Momma,” she said. “I want a baby sister, okay?”

Amanda laughed, “Oh, Jesse. We don’t get to choose whether it’s a brother or a sister, we’ll just have to wait and see,” she pressed a kiss to the side of Jesse’s head. “I’m gonna love you and this baby both so much.”

“I know,” Jesse said. “You’re my momma.”

Jesse had been a little extra clingy in the days after they told her about the baby - and whenever Carisi stopped by the apartment she clamoured for his attention - but she was beginning to settle into the idea. She was excited about being a big sister, as Amanda had expected her to be - they’d see how well she adapted when the baby was born, but for now things were going smoothly. The questions Amanda had expected - about Jesse’s own father, about Carisi’s place in their lives, those hadn’t come - instead she was inundated with questions that she could never have predicted - what would the baby’s favourite ice cream be, would the baby want to play Candyland with her, how big would the baby’s head be. She fielded them as best she could, and Jesse was mostly satisfied. She’d promptly told her nanny and half of her friends at preschool, so that weekend Carisi had driven out to Staten Island to tell his parents.

He’d asked Amanda if she wanted to be there, but she still hadn’t met his parents - his _Catholic_ parents - and she didn’t think their first meeting should be the same day they found out she was pregnant with their only son’s first child, and by the way, they weren’t even dating.

She was nervous as she waited for him to come by on Sunday afternoon - he’d spent the night with his parents, and when he’d called her late on Saturday he’d admitted he hadn’t gotten around to telling them yet. That had surprised her, considering that he was so excited about the prospect of becoming a father, but she knew how much Carisi’s family meant to him. There was a knot in her stomach and she was only half focused on the story she was reading to Jesse, because there was a small part of her, a little voice in the back of her head, that said she was wrong about Carisi, that everything she’d thought and felt was wrong, and he was going to come back from Staten Island and tell her he’d changed his mind.

She knew she was wrong the second she heard his knock on the door - how she’d come to recognise his knock she didn’t know, but she set the book to one side. “Momma, we’re not done.”

“Uncle Sonny’s at the door.”

Jesse raced across the room, almost skidding headfirst into the door itself before Amanda could reach it. When Amanda opened the door he was standing with a grin on his face and a bunch of yellow roses in his hand. 

“Those better not be for me,” she said, stepping back to let him in.

“They are,” he said, he handed one rose, separated from the rest of the bunch, to Jesse, “except that one.” He gave Jesse a wink and held the flowers out to Amanda. “They’re from my mother.”

Amanda took them, eyeing him suspiciously. “From your mother?”

He stepped into the apartment, closing the door behind him.

“They are; she made my pops go out and get them for you,” he nodded at the flowers. “There’s a card.”

There was - she placed the flowers onto the kitchen side and pulled out the card; the handwriting was very similar to Carisi’s, but a little sharper, the letters a little taller. There were only four words on the card, but something got caught in her throat as she read them - _welcome to the family._ Carisi’s eyes widened as he caught sight of her expression.

“What? I knew I should’ve read it - my ma told me not to.”

She shook her head, handing the card to him. “It’s fine… it’s sweet, real sweet.”

“Amanda, I’m sorry,” he frowned, “She can be a lot, but she means well I promise.”

“Carisi, I said it was fine. So they were okay with it?”

He shrugged off his coat, hanging it up on the hook beside the door. “They were,” he said. He crossed the room to where Jesse was sitting on the floor of the living room, her flower still in her hand, and he lifted her up onto his knee as he sat on the couch. “What we readin’, Jess?”

Amanda watched him pick up where she’d left off; Jesse engrossed in the book, leaning back against Carisi’s chest and still playing with the flower in her hand. She looked at her own flowers, smiling to herself as she found a vase for them.

As Carisi reached the end of the story, Jesse climbed down and walked over to her, holding her rose out carefully. “Momma, can I put this in my room?”

Amanda nodded; she didn’t have a second vase but she didn’t think Jesse was all that concerned with presentation; Jesse didn’t wait to be handed anything to put the rose in, just darted off to her room with a grin on her face. Amanda crossed the room at sat next to Carisi. “That’s sweet,” she said, nodding in the direction Jesse had sped off.

“I mean, I can’t lie to you Rollins, I gave her one of yours,” he grinned and she laughed, shaking her head at him.

“So, how did it go? With your family?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “They’re happy for us - for me, I mean well, yeah, us, but I made it clear that, y’know,” he shrugged and gestured between the two of them.

“I’ve been kind of nervous all day,” she admitted. “More nervous about that than telling my own parents.”

“Did you call ’em?”

“My mom; she, uh, she remembers you, so that’s…”

He nodded in understanding. “My mom wants to meet you - no pressure. She invited you out to theirs for dinner, but I thought that might be overkill. I said maybe coffee?”

“I… I mean, I’ve gotta meet them at some point, right? They’re the baby’s grandparents, they’re going to be in our lives.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “About that, my ma said… if it’s too much you can say and I won’t bring it up again. She said if this baby is family, then so are you, and so is Jesse. So they wanna meet her too, if that’s okay with you.”

Amanda felt a little overcome with emotion at that - Jesse had never really had grandparents in her life, and the idea that Carisi’s parents were not only willing to accept her and the new baby into their lives, but also Jesse, who deserved to be loved so much, it got to her a little; she could feel tears welling up her in eyes and she caught a panicked expression on Carisi’s face. She reached out to grab his wrist before he could launch into an apology. “Carisi, that’s the nicest thing… I thought your mom might be… I know she’s _your mom_ , and you’re, you know, _you_ , but I was afraid she’d be mad that I… led you astray or somethin’”

He laughed. “I was led very willingly.” She gave him a look she hoped conveyed how unhelpful his response was. “Oh, Rollins, that ship sailed long before I met you, and I’m sure my mother knows I’m not actually a choir boy.”

“I know they’re religious and I already have one kid out of wedlock-”

“I mean, they’re Catholic, but you know, they’re not crazy. You know Bella was already pregnant when she married Tommy. An’ either Theresa was a very premature baby or my parents have got no room to talk.”

“But they’re married, Carisi; and Bella is married. And you and I…”

“My mother knows me,” he said, “And she’s happy if I’m happy. And I am, if you’re wonderin’.”

Sonny hadn’t expected anyone to still be in the squad room when he headed back to collect his things for the night - court had wrapped up over an hour ago, and most of the lights were off when he got out of the elevator; as he rounded the corner though, he saw Amanda sat at her desk, her head in her hands. 

She looked exhausted, and he could see the weight of the emotion of the last few days bearing down on her - the Mill case had been particularly hard on them all; from the moment Amanda had told him Harry Mill hadn’t made it he hadn’t been able to get the thought out of his head. He was the one who’d had to notify Anna Mill, back before they suspected her - he felt guilt that he hadn’t seen it sooner, that he’d wasted energy on blaming Delores; his instinct was anger at the nanny, and Fin had given him a sharp reminder that it wasn’t easy raising a child and working full time - it had reminded him that Amanda, like Liv, had to rely on nannies and sitters sometimes, that the job they did didn’t fit neatly around a child’s schedule, and that reminder had made him angrier, had made him fear for the times he might not be able to protect his own child. 

With Amanda, that was likely feeling that twice over - with Jesse and the new baby weighing on her mind. 

“Hey, you okay?”

She lifted her head and glanced up at him, her eyes red rimmed. “I’m fine,” she said, but her voice shook as she spoke. 

He instinctively reached out to place a hand on her shoulder. “You been cryin’?”

“I… Carisi, this case has been…” she shook her head, “I just wanna see Jesse.”

He held out a hand to help her to her feet, and lifted her coat from the back of her chair, “Come on, I’m drivin’ you home.” She didn’t protest as he draped her coat over her shoulders and led her towards the elevator, a hand on the small of her back.

  
Sonny glanced over at Amanda once they were in the car, noting the way she swiped at the tears that were forming in her eyes, her breathing uneven. He reached over, taking her hand in his; she turned away from him, glancing out of the window as they drove. She stayed that way for the rest of the drive, keeping their hands joined until he reluctantly pulled away to put the car in park just down the street from her apartment building.

“You okay?”

She turned back at him, her eyes still red. “I… I can’t stop thinking about those kids.”

“I know,” he unclipped his seatbelt before taking hold of her hand again, leaning over to put his free arm around her shoulders. “I know.”

“I’ve been feeling so guilty all week, thinking about how I’m always at work and I’m not here for Jesse… I’m letting her down.”

Sonny moved his hand back and forth over her shoulder, trying to sooth some of her fear and guilt. “You’re not. Amanda, you’re a great mother - Jesse’s lucky to have you and this new baby is gonna be too.”

She glanced up at him.“And you… with the nanny… you were so mad, Carisi, and you know when this baby comes we’re both still gonna be working. We’re gonna need sitters and I know this isn’t the way you thought things would happen for you, but-”

“I know, I know. Look, we’ll work somethin’ out, alright?” He pulled back far enough to see her face, to reach up and wipe the tears from her cheeks. “I never meant to make you feel like this. I just couldn’t stomach the thought she’d hurt those kids.”

“I thought… I thought if it was Delores, you know, Liv and I we both said, we trust our nannies to take care of our kids and… but then, when the truth came out, Carisi it was worse - that a mother could… her own children.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, you’re okay,” he moved as close to her as he could, pulling her to him, letting her cry into his shoulder. “You know, I was so mad, goin’ at Delores so hard because I thought she… you know, and I kept thinkin’, we’re about to have a baby, and we’re gonna have to trust someone with our baby and… but you’re right, this is worse.” 

She drew back, her face still tear-stained. “When I got back last night I just… I just stood staring at Jesse, just watching her breathe so that I knew she was safe.”

He nodded, “It’s not the same, but I kept lookin’ at the sonogram photo after I got home. Just thinkin’,” he hadn’t been able to sleep when he got in; after a week of fear and anger, the knowledge that Anna Mill had been responsible for the deaths of her own children had haunted him - the look on her face when he’d given her the news, when he thought that she was a grieving mother, not a murderer - that look had been seared into his brain up until CSU found those shoes in her office. He objectively knew that there were parents who killed their children, it was a sad truth that his job highlighted sometimes - but being faced with it like this - it was a dark path to go down. He’d gone to get a beer from the fridge, to sooth away his thoughts, but he’d caught sight of the sonogram he’d stuck there, and he’d ended up sitting at the kitchen table in the dark, just staring down at that image and knowing that he would die for this child, who wasn’t even here yet - that he’d lay down his life before he let anyone lay a hand on his baby - or on Jesse. Even once he’d torn himself away from the photo and gotten into bed, when he closed his eyes his dreams had been filled with the baby, with Amanda, and Jesse, and the life he wanted to give to those children.

Amanda brought him out of his thoughts when she took his hand again, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Do you wanna come up and see Jesse with me?”

“I’d love to,” he smiled, opening his car door - he made it to the passenger side in time to help Amanda out of the car, and he kept his hand on her back as she led the way into her building. 

  
When Sonny returned from the deli with lunch Amanda was no longer at her desk - he found her in the break room leaning back in a chair, her laptop on the table in front of her with apartment listings pulled up on the screen. He placed her lunch in front of her as he took a seat opposite her. “You lookin’ at apartments?”

She closed the laptop as she turned to look at him. “Thanks,” she said, unwrapping her sandwich. “My lease is up in January and I don’t want me and this new baby, and Jesse, and Frannie, all crammed into my tiny two bedroom apartment,” she sighed. “But everything bigger than what we have now is so much more expensive.”

“Well, I can help out. I want to help out, I mean.”

She reached over to touch his hand briefly, “Carisi, that’s not what I meant.”

“Right, but child support-” he leaned forward his arms on the table, lowering his voice so they wouldn’t be overheard, “I know we didn’t talk about it yet, but this is my kid too, and I want to be a hands on dad, you know that, but I’m gonna be helping financially as well.”

Amanda shook her head, “You can’t pay rent on two apartments, Carisi. Your apartment probably costs the same as mine as it is.” She turned back to her lunch, and he unwrapped his own sandwich. As they ate in silence he thought about their situation - Amanda needed more space; he knew her apartment was tiny, and it was just about manageable for her now but with a second baby it would be tight. He had spent a lot of time over the past few weeks thinking about just how he was going to slot into her life, because as much time as they spent together in and out of work, it was never going to be the same as being a full-time father, the kind of parenthood that he’d always imagined for himself. He mulled the idea over in his head as they finished up their lunch.

He touched her arm gently, drawing her attention back to him. “Uh, you know, my lease is up soon too.”

She raised an eyebrow. “So what? You’re gonna rent somewhere cheaper so you can pay my rent for me? You’re gonna need space for the baby too.”

“I didn’t mean that, I-” he sighed, “It’s obvious isn’t it? We could get a new place - together.”

She opened her mouth slightly, a look of bewilderment on her face. “What?”

“Both of us - I mean, the four of us. We can… between us we could afford a bigger place an’ we’ll figure it out from there.”

Amanda let out a laugh. “Carisi, we slept together once, six months ago, and now you want us to live together?”

He dropped back into his chair, “Sounds nuts if you say it like that.”

“Well how would you say it?”

“We’re havin’ a kid together, a kid whose life I very much want to be a part of - look, I’m not sayin’ we’re shacking up together, we can get a third bedroom, but I don’t want to be the kind of dad that only sees my kid every other weekend. I don’t want to miss anythin’, Rollins.”

“And what happens when six months down the line you meet a girl, huh? You gonna bring her back to our apartment?” She rolled her eyes as she stood up, throwing the sandwich wrapper into the trash. She turned towards the door and he followed her, reaching out to place his hand on her arm. 

“Come on, you know me better than that,” he moved his hand away as she turned back to look at him. “And I’m not looking for someone to…” he sighed, “I’m not lookin’ at anyone else, okay?”

She reached out to hold his forearm, frustration on her face, “Carisi, we can’t-” she swallowed, shaking her head. “Living together… that’s not a good idea.” She released his arm and walked away. He stayed where he stood, watching her go, wondering how he’d managed to let the atmosphere between them plummet quite so quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I rewatched a lot of s20 when I was writing this and got some new ideas, so this has grown longer than planned and I'm switching it to three parts (so much for my 2k one shot)


End file.
